Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.

I know.  It's been a while.  My sincerest apologies, readers.  I haven't had a lot of free time, and when I have, I haven't had convenient access to a computer.

I just got back from California.  I had a great time hanging out with Tyler's family.  They really are amazing.  We didn't waste a moment of time while we were there.  Aside from hanging out with family, we spent some time in LA.  I got to catch up with some old friends, and narrowly missed catching up with others.  (Time really is too short.)  Ate amazing food, hung out at the beach, went to Disneyland.  I really love it in California.  If it meshed with our future plans, we'd probably live there right now.  However, we have a house to buy, and things to do out here in Minneapolis.  Regardless of the weather, unfortunately.  If I was rich, I'd move to San Francisco (did you know the cost of living in San Francisco is similar, if not more than living in NYC?).  Otherwise, I think I'd choose San Diego, since it seems like the beachy version of Minneapolis.

There's been a hiccup in the transferring of Panda, so we are still in limbo with her.  I'm not sure if prolonging the process is making it easier or harder to let her go.  I don't want to discuss this in much detail as I'm feeling a little negatively about the subject.

Nico is about 99% potty trained now, which makes things quite a bit easier.  She is still deathly afraid of everything.  Her leash, people, the wind, the heater turning on, you name it.  She jumps at things that I am not even aware of.  But, she has opened up to me a little bit.  I've learned how to use mannerisms that make her feel less threatened, and that allow me to approach her 100% of the time.  She doesn't completely trust me, but it's obvious she wants to.  She gets really excited about my presence when we wake up, when I feed her, and after I take her outside.  Those are the times she seems most open to love and attention.  The rest of the time, she seems to want my affection, but is extremely weary.  She is severely afraid of every other person, and runs to me (well, more like behind me) to escape anyone else.  Poor Tyler.  He wants her to love him, too, but she's still frightened of him and looks to me to save her.  I have seen her leap ridiculous heights off of the bed or couch to flee him.  This one definitely isn't going to crack anytime soon.  But she's adorable, and easy to train, so her being fearful isn't going to stop us.  I must say, I've never seen fear like this before.  It is just completely crippling.  When I think about how she must feel all of the time based on her reactions, I'm amazed that she has even managed to accept me at all.  I wish it was easier for her to trust, and I hope one day, she is relieved of her anxiety and learns to be at ease.  Poor little sweetheart.

I am currently reading the second book in the Millennium series (The Girl Who Played With Fire).  Just about finished.  I haven't decided how I feel about it yet.  I don't want to mention too much, as to avoid any spoilers for any readers out there.  I would like to know,  have any of you read the series?  What are your thoughts?  Have you seen any of the movies?

Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.

I had to make an incredibly difficult decision today.  That decision was to no longer foster Panda.  I finally reached my breaking point with her severe inability to potty train today.  I might have been able to hold on a bit longer, but I realized we will be showing our apartment soon and can't afford to lose a tenant because Panda just won't housebreak after many months of trying.

I am used to coming home to messes, but today was exceptionally bad.  I could smell it outside of the apartment.  It was just too much.  I really don't mind cleaning up the messes, but when there is just no progress, it makes it more difficult to know this is what I have to deal with until she gets adopted.  And, I just had to finally realize that I have other responsibilities that also need attending to.  My priority right now is getting a home and out of this apartment as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, fostering a dog that isn't housebroken whatsoever isn't really conducive to that plan any longer.

She is probably the sweetest dog I have ever had the pleasure of being around, I am very much attached to her.  However, she needs a foster home where someone is home more often to help potty train her.  I would never in a million years give up the time I have had with her.  To be honest, if I was able to be home more often, and potty train her, I probably would have wanted to adopt her long ago.  But when the home isn't right, it shows.  Someone out there will give her a great home, and she will be such an amazing companion for them.  I am really going to miss her.  I'm giving my rescue group some time to find a new foster home for her, so I don't have to say goodbye just yet, but, it's going to be quite difficult when I do.

Tyler has been such a saint throughout all of this.  He likes dogs as much as the next person, but he doesn't have quite the same passion for them as I do.  He must have reached his breaking point long ago, but stuck with it for me.  He's a good guy.

Nico won't be back to a vet again until after Thanksgiving, so we've also got some time to think about what our decision will be in terms of adopting her.  We are really waiting on more medical information before anything else.  If we decide against adopting her, we will continue to foster her until she is adopted, then perhaps foster again after we have moved.

I hate making tough decisions.  It makes me feel so guilty.  I also hate saying goodbye.  But I guess it would have happened one way or another, eventually.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I got Nico back from the her extended stay at the vet today.  She was supposed to be spayed, but she nearly flatlined on the table when put under anesthesia, so they had to pull her out immediately.  The vet told me they think she may have an enlarged heart/heart disease.  She said she thinks Nico's prognosis is probably not good, and she will probably end up dying in her sleep.  They couldn't test her for an enlarged heart because they don't have the equipment at that location.  I guess her heart rate is very slow, at about 70 beats/minute when at rest, when it should be around 120 beats.  I was afraid of something like this.  It's weird, because all of her blood tests came back just fine.  The diagnosis hasn't been made officially, but the vet sounded pretty sure.

I'm not really sure what the next step is.  The person in charge of our rescue group said we will try the spay again at an office that is a little bit more seasoned, but I don't know if she knew about the potential for Nico's heart disease.  So, I guess we'll see.

On top of this, I have been sick the last couple of days.  I had to really pull it together today to pick up Nico.

And what's even worse, is Tyler's grandfather is very ill.  We planned a trip out to California for one last visit to see him next week, but it doesn't sounds like he will make it that long.  Ugh.  Rough past few days.

Those that think it permissible to tell white lies soon grow color blind.

I've been watching a lot of horror movies lately.  I would watch them more often, but the selection is never broader than October.  I haven't seen any good ones lately, though.  Probably because I've really only watched ones that are on Netflix to watch instantly.  Anyone have any good suggestions?  I plan to see Paranormal Activity 3 tomorrow, but I'm not going to get my hopes up about that one.

Not much going on in the search for a home.  We put an offer in on another one recently that the owner's accepted.  Now, we just have to wait on the bank(s).  Which could take months.  Hopefully not too many months, as we need to plan our wedding around this house.  A house whose landscaping needs a LOT of work.

Nico is socially coming along nicely.  She's opened up much more.  We had quite a few people over a few days ago, and I think that helped her open up a little bit.  She's still very nervous, but much better than at first.  She's also doing really well with potty training.  I think we give her another week or two, and she's be 100% potty trained.  She has definitely made me feel better about my potty training skills!  (Sorry, Panda!...I just can't figure you out!)  Nico should be going in to see the vet next week, so now we should be able to see if she has any underlying medical issues.  We are pretty certain we will be adopting her once she has been vetted, but we're not allowed to sign any contracts until she has been seen and also spayed.

Tyler and I are going to California in a couple of weeks to visit his family.  I'm pretty excited.  He has to work for a few hours a couple of the days, so I have to figure out what to do with myself during that time...Hm...What to do in LA for a few hours during the day?  Any suggestions?

We're also booking our trip to NYC in January soon.  Another exciting trip that I can't wait for.  We're limiting our trip to just 4 days to deliver us from the temptation to shop our brains out.  I can't wait to see NYC in the winter, it will be such a stark contrast from when we went last time, in the excessive July heat!  I bet it's beautiful.  Except, you know, inside the subways.  Hopefully, we'll have our house by then, so we don't get tempted to stay.  I love that town.

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

It's been pretty hectic in our household lately, as we've acquired a second foster dog.  I brought Panda to the Dogtoberfest event, where there were a few dogs that were brought in from a Missouri puppy mill rescue.  They were all so timid and shy, but there was one in particular, who was so scared, she was pressing her whole body into the the gate so hard, she must have been trying to disappear into it.  I felt awful for her, so I picked her up and held her nearly the entire event.  It turned out that she had no foster parents.  I really had no intention of taking her, but she pulled at my heartstrings so much, I couldn't say no.  Tyler had not attended this event, as he had to work, so he had no idea what he was going to come home to.  Before he was done with work, I had to make my way into work, so I didn't have a chance to talk to him beforehand.  I was a nervous wreck waiting to hear from him.  I was really afraid he was going to be upset that I brought home another dog.

A few hours later, I got a call at work.  My adrenaline rose, and I prepared myself for the worst.  I picked up the phone, and heard him say, "She is SOOO cute!".  Whew!  Relief.  I reminded once more of why I love my fiancee so much.

What was meant to be only for a couple of days has turned into 11 days...so far.  All of which have been pretty amazing.  The new foster has opened up a bit, but she has a long way to go before she fully trusts humans.  From what I hear, Missouri puppy mills are pretty heinous in comparison to others.  This one spent the first 5 years of her life in one, so I'm sure you can imagine how hard it is for her.

She was casually named "Fidget" at the event, because she is so frightened, that she shakes a lot.  But Tyler and I have decided the name "Nico" is much better.

She is a Japanese Chin, like Panda, but about 1/3 the size of Panda.  She is insanely cute.  She doesn't even look like a real animal, she looks fake, like a stuffed animal.  I marvel at her every time I look at her! We've been seriously toying with the idea of adopting her.  I know what you're thinking, "What about Panda?"  The reality is, I love Panda.  I love Panda just as much as I love Nico.  But you just know when it's not a right fit.  Panda needs a home where she isn't left alone for more than 4 hours, otherwise she will never potty train.  Unfortunately, that is not us.  We can't keep picking up after her soiling day after day, forever.  It is getting pretty tiresome, having to mop every single day.  Nico still has her potty training issues, but she is much smaller, so what comes out of her is also smaller.  More importantly, she is actually catching on to potty training much quicker.

Also, we've socialized Panda I think to the point where she is very ready for adoption.  Nico, I have doubts she will ever socialize 100%, and if she does, I imagine it will take much longer than it did for Panda.  They both have their issues.  Issues that are very similar, but difficult in very different ways.  I feel more prepared and confident in dealing with Nico's fears than Panda's potty training, I guess.

The only thing really holding us back is that Nico hasn't been to a vet yet, so we have no idea what kind of health issues we may be dealing with.  Well, that, and there is an affenpincher with another rescue that will soon be healthy enough to be up for adoption that I am really interested in meeting.  He looks just like Winston, and too, was abandoned like Winston.  Except this one, Ernie, was thrown in a trash and left to die.  I would LOVE to have another one like Winston.  Also, I know if we decide not to adopt Nico, she will be adopted immediately.

This is sweet, little Nico:  

It's so hard to limit yourself, as there are so many heartbreaking stories out there surrounding dogs.  It really angers me that people will go to breeders or pet stores to "buy" dogs.  I really want to make a serious point here, if you are buying a dog anywhere, online, in a pet store, or from a breeder, and you can't meet the parents of the dog, it is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT certain that dog came from a puppy mill.  DO NOT TAKE THAT DOG, as you are helping a disgusting, abusive, and heinous trade continue to operate.  I don't care if the sales people assure you these animals are not from a puppy mill.  That is what they ALL say.  Again, if you can't meet the mother and father of these puppies, then they came from a puppy mill.  Stay away.  The mother and father of this adorable puppy you can't resist are living in squalor.  They live in their own filth, stuck in a small cage, typically in a stack of cages, where the animals can defecate and urinate all over one another, they never know what love or care from a human is, they spend their whole lives in these cages until they are deemed no longer profitable. At that point, they are auctioned off.  If no one bids on them, they are immediately euthanized.  You are helping this process continue if you purchase that dog.  Shame on you, if that is the route you take, really.

I just wish puppy mills could be banned nationwide, then my heart wouldn't break every time I saw a dog I wanted to help, but can't, because my resources are stretched as thin as they can get.  I wouldn't feel guilt because I can't help them all, forever.

Here's some links about puppy mills:

http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/puppy_mills/

http://www.aspca.org/fight-animal-cruelty/puppy-mills/what-is-a-puppy-mill.aspx

Who begins too much accomplishes little.

Time to discuss how I feel about the Occupy "whichever location you choose here" movements.  I admit, I'm not fully educated on the subject, which is what led me to do a little research.  

First, I'm not even going to talk about the police brutality.  I can see police hitting people with batons, or using pepper spray, on youtube.  I cannot see what led to the altercations, so I can't find a way to have an unbiased opinion without looking at the whole scenario.  There are very likely situations that warranted that sort of reaction, and conversely, very likely situations that did not.  

I'm also not going to really discuss the fact that the majority of the media seems to be ignoring this movement.  The media really should have learned that there was no way this was going to be kept under wraps.  I mean, look at how Obama won the presidency.  Social media played a huge, huge part in that.  That's just idiocy on their parts.  I have, however, been able to find snippets of news here and there, like on huffingtonpost and NPR.  So, not ALL of the media is trying to keep us in the dark.  It kind of makes you wonder what things were kept hidden from the public back before the internet, though.

I was trying to explain the whole purpose of the Occupy movement to someone today, but I couldn't come up with any demands that I was sure these people are asking for.  I had a lot of hearsay to go by, but that was it.  So, I decided to find out.  I researched and have found no official list of demands.  WHAT?  Seriously?  What have people been trying to get done on Wall Street?  I feel like people are just occupying the street, saying they're pissed about current conditions, but not telling people what conditions need to be changed for this to end.  How the hell is anything going to get better if we just stand around being pissed without actually telling these people what they need to do to get you back to your daily lives?  This is like a bad marriage in dire need of counseling.  Both sides just not willing to communicate with one another until...what?  What the fuck?

There has GOT to be a piece of the puzzle I am missing.  But, so far, I can't find it, so I'm going to continue to be really confused by the order of which this has all come about.

Now, I've read a few lists, and I have to tell you, some of these demands seem quite ludicrous.  Some of them are really good ideas as well.  Some of them are decent ideas, but I really don't think it's possible to put them into effect.  So, I'm going to quote from different lists I've found.  By the way, the one that seems best put together can be seen here, if you're interested:  http://coupmedia.org/occupywallstreet/occupy-wall-street-official-demands-2009

If I don't mention a particular demand, it's probably because I agree with it and have nothing more to say on the subject.

These are all from the second list of proposed demands on the aforementioned site:

#4 on this particular list of demands is to restructure campaign finance legislation.  Limiting individual campaign donations to $100 to get rid of corporate backing of particular candidates, which, in turn should get rid of special treatment towards these corporations.   In theory, this sounds good, but there are some things I'm unclear on.  Can a person running for office use as much of their own personal money as they want for their campaign?  If so, then won't the candidates just change from corporate puppets to wealthy people with corporate agendas anyways?  If that's the case, it's just going to be the same shit, different way of doing it.  If not, then I'm for it.

#5 is real health care reform.  "Nearly all other countries on this planet have a system that works.  Access to adequate health care is a human right not a privelage.  "  If you talk to people from other countries that have this kind of health care, many aren't as thrilled with it as you may think.  A lot of times, I've heard they would prefer our system.  Among the complaints I've heard is that it takes quite a long time to get in to see a doctor.  The healthcare is of low quality.  So on, and so forth.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  I've had the same job since I was 18, and I've had healthcare all along with that job, so maybe I'm just lucky, but I like my healthcare.  Now, if I decided to quit that job, I may have another opinion.  So I can't say I am completely unbiased, but I can say I'd be nervous to see the outcome of this change.  I just know what the Canadians tell me.

#7 education reform.  I am ALL for lowering education costs.  Which is one suggestion on this particular demand.  I'm even for restructuring the student loan system.  But, completely forgiving all student loan debt?  I don't know about that one.  I think forgiving a LOT of the student debt would be good for a lot of people, but all of it, I'm not so sure.  It is also suggested that higher education should be free.  I think if it were free, a LOT of resources would be wasted.  Many people would just go to school forever, and never worry about getting a job.  I'm sure we've all known quite a few people who have wealthy families who paid for their schooling, and they just went to school with no real purpose, without taking it seriously.   That's fine, I mean, I'm incredibly jealous, because if I had that kind of help, I would NEVER take it for granted.  But the simple fact is, there is a LOT of people who will take it for granted.  Will we be able to afford it?  

#14 the environmental responsibility reform.  This is all about providing incentive for local farming, which, in theory is a good idea, but it is not really environmentally or financially responsible.  We ALL eat foods and love foods that are not locally grown.  So, in turn, we will have to farm foods that are not indigenous to our area in ways that require a huge amount of energy to be used, which actually causes a larger footprint than just getting the foods transported.  This is not an environmentally friendly solution.  If this demand is met, then we need to make a decision:  mangoes, or a healthier environment?  On top of that, not all crops that are distributed are benefitting corporations.  There are whole third world countries who rely on our purchases of their crops.  Do we want to be responsible for their collapse because we wanted to grow our own melons in a way that fucked up our environment even more?  There's better options for strengthening our own economy, really.

From the first list on the site, they mention on #4, passing the Buffett rule, closing all corporate tax loopholes.  Unfortunately, there are just some companies that this will NEVER happen with.  Specifically, internet based companies.  Google, for instance.  They pay NOTHING to America in taxes.  They built their headquarters in Ireland knowing their taxes were lower, and there's nothing we can do about it.  The internet is worldwide, you can't change that.  So wherever such and such company decides to set up shop and keep their earnings is their prerogative.  What we need to do is give companies incentive to come back to America.  There is no way to completely get rid of all loopholes, and with the internet, it's gotten even harder.  It's just plain never going to happen, we have to give companies a reason to build here.  We have the second highest corporate tax rate in the world at almost 40 percent.   Would you start your business here, when you could start it in Ireland which charges only 10 percent?  Until that changes, nothing else will.  Once we start to bring back corporations to America, the jobs will follow, as would more of our economic stability.  We're barking up the wrong tree with this demand.  Companies wouldn't even be trying to FIND the loopholes if our corporate tax rate was reasonable.

Now, I'm going to take from another list, which can be seen here:  http://occupywallst.org/forum/proposed-list-of-demands-for-occupy-wall-st-moveme/  This list was by far, the most ridiculous of them all.  So, I chose to quote from the best and the worst that I could find.

Demand #1, restoration of the living wage.  I am ALL for this.  I think the minimum wage is a joke, it is just not a wage you can reasonably live off of without government assistance.  However, if you scroll down to demand #3, guaranteed living wage regardless of employment, that's where you lost me.  What the hell?  I watch people come in on the first of the month in droves looking for applications so they can turn them in and say they were job hunting, when they were most definitely not at all interested in getting a job, just so they can continue to receive government checks.  Are you kidding me?  You want to give people money for NOTHING?  No way.  I do not agree in any way, shape, or form with this.  The only exceptions I would consider would be students who were actively enrolled in school, stay at home mothers or fathers who were providing a safe and nurturing environment for their children, the elderly, and people with disabilities.  Someone PLEASE explain why this is a good idea, because it is just pissing me off.

Demand #11 is just..ridiculous.  ALL debt forgiven across the ENTIRE planet?  How the fuck is Wall Street going to take away the debts of people in China?  WTF is this?

Demand #12.  Outlaw credit reporting agencies?  Why?  You don't think it's within a bank's rights to be able to see a credit history and determine whether someone is an at-risk client?  Now, don't get me wrong, I think there's a million things wrong with banks, but this really just isn't one of them.  It doesn't make any sense to just hand people loans without finding out if they have the ability to pay them.  That doesn't help anyone out.  Now, could there be a better way for credit agencies to run?  Sure.  But asking for them to be outlawed just seems like you want loans to be offered with a cross my heart promise that we will pay them back.  Sure, I have a job, now let me buy this Hummer?  Oh, but this is coming from the list that wants all debt across the world to be forgiven.  Whoever wrote this list is out of their mind.  

In any case, my point is, shouldn't a group have their shit together enough to come forward with a list of demands BEFORE they protest?  This thing has gotten huge, and now we have whack jobs like the guy who wrote the second list I quoted putting their 2 cents in.  This is demeaning the whole thing, in my opinion.  I fully agree that things need to change, and although I don't agree with every demand, I do agree demands need to be made, and that corporations need to have less pull on the decisions our country's leaders make, and even that they should pay more taxes.  But I think the way this began was pretty sloppy and potentially ineffective.  I sincerely hope this isn't the case, and that changes really will be made, but I can't see large corporations being swayed to make any changes just because a bunch of people are standing angrily on their front lawn.

I guess we'll see.

A person travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.

House hunting has been interesting.  As a potential first time buyer, it's really scary.  I've never even purchased a new car, and now I'm spending 6 figures on a dwelling.  The idea of spending 6 figures is daunting, but the idea of throwing away that kind of money on rent for the next thirty years is even more so.  Which is exactly what I would spend if my rent stayed the same for the next thirty years.  So, that makes me feel better.

We've looked at a few homes.  We put an offer on one yesterday, still waiting to see what is going to come of that offer.  I'd love to own this home, but, if we don't get it, we will find one that's even better.  A couple even popped up on the market today that I would love to look at if this one falls through.  I guess that's the key to shopping for a home, don't set yourself up for heartbreak, because you WILL get your heart broken.

I've already been prematurely planning the remodel of the house.  Which may also end up being in my favor if the offer isn't accepted...I'll be so overworked from planning, I'll be excited to not have to follow through.  Okay, now I'm just over thinking it.  I'm just way too impulsive for this waiting game.

Panda was selected to be a part of Dogtoberfest.  I have no idea what that is other than an adoption event on the 8th that is more extreme than the average adoption events, but it sounds like a ton of fun.
http://www.underdogrescuemn.com/dont-miss-dogtoberfest/

I love her to death, but, we haven't really gotten anywhere with the potty training and I am tired of cleaning up poop and pee all day long.  If Winston hadn't improved his potty training habits 100% since I first adopted him, I would think I sucked at potty training dogs.  Well, it's still entirely possible that is the case, as Winston is just a mommy pleaser, so maybe that's the only reason I tricked him into going outside for me.

At least I've gotten her socialized and at a better weight.  Right?

In other news, I'm addicted to stumbleupon.com.  If you aren't using it, trust me, you are missing out.  It is the best internet time killer EVER.  I have to resist the urge not to share everything I like on there, because I would post about 100 times a day.  I find pages that I never knew I wanted to find.  For instance:  http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2F1WFB/www.expatify.com/advice/10-best-places-to-live-for-escaping-world-conflict.html

One day, I may decide I'm tired of government shutdowns and say, fuck it, I'm moving to Bhutan, bitches!  I never would have picked Bhutan if it wasn't for stumbleupon.  I'll let you in on a tidbit of information about myself:  I SUCK at geography.  It's entirely possible I may never have even known Bhutan existed if it wasn't for stumbleupon.

By the way, I don't think I would actually ever move to Bhutan.  The reality is, I'd probably choose Canada.  Because, I actually know how to get there.  Well, I'd have to pick up a compass on the way.