Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.

I know.  It's been a while.  My sincerest apologies, readers.  I haven't had a lot of free time, and when I have, I haven't had convenient access to a computer.

I just got back from California.  I had a great time hanging out with Tyler's family.  They really are amazing.  We didn't waste a moment of time while we were there.  Aside from hanging out with family, we spent some time in LA.  I got to catch up with some old friends, and narrowly missed catching up with others.  (Time really is too short.)  Ate amazing food, hung out at the beach, went to Disneyland.  I really love it in California.  If it meshed with our future plans, we'd probably live there right now.  However, we have a house to buy, and things to do out here in Minneapolis.  Regardless of the weather, unfortunately.  If I was rich, I'd move to San Francisco (did you know the cost of living in San Francisco is similar, if not more than living in NYC?).  Otherwise, I think I'd choose San Diego, since it seems like the beachy version of Minneapolis.

There's been a hiccup in the transferring of Panda, so we are still in limbo with her.  I'm not sure if prolonging the process is making it easier or harder to let her go.  I don't want to discuss this in much detail as I'm feeling a little negatively about the subject.

Nico is about 99% potty trained now, which makes things quite a bit easier.  She is still deathly afraid of everything.  Her leash, people, the wind, the heater turning on, you name it.  She jumps at things that I am not even aware of.  But, she has opened up to me a little bit.  I've learned how to use mannerisms that make her feel less threatened, and that allow me to approach her 100% of the time.  She doesn't completely trust me, but it's obvious she wants to.  She gets really excited about my presence when we wake up, when I feed her, and after I take her outside.  Those are the times she seems most open to love and attention.  The rest of the time, she seems to want my affection, but is extremely weary.  She is severely afraid of every other person, and runs to me (well, more like behind me) to escape anyone else.  Poor Tyler.  He wants her to love him, too, but she's still frightened of him and looks to me to save her.  I have seen her leap ridiculous heights off of the bed or couch to flee him.  This one definitely isn't going to crack anytime soon.  But she's adorable, and easy to train, so her being fearful isn't going to stop us.  I must say, I've never seen fear like this before.  It is just completely crippling.  When I think about how she must feel all of the time based on her reactions, I'm amazed that she has even managed to accept me at all.  I wish it was easier for her to trust, and I hope one day, she is relieved of her anxiety and learns to be at ease.  Poor little sweetheart.

I am currently reading the second book in the Millennium series (The Girl Who Played With Fire).  Just about finished.  I haven't decided how I feel about it yet.  I don't want to mention too much, as to avoid any spoilers for any readers out there.  I would like to know,  have any of you read the series?  What are your thoughts?  Have you seen any of the movies?

Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.

I had to make an incredibly difficult decision today.  That decision was to no longer foster Panda.  I finally reached my breaking point with her severe inability to potty train today.  I might have been able to hold on a bit longer, but I realized we will be showing our apartment soon and can't afford to lose a tenant because Panda just won't housebreak after many months of trying.

I am used to coming home to messes, but today was exceptionally bad.  I could smell it outside of the apartment.  It was just too much.  I really don't mind cleaning up the messes, but when there is just no progress, it makes it more difficult to know this is what I have to deal with until she gets adopted.  And, I just had to finally realize that I have other responsibilities that also need attending to.  My priority right now is getting a home and out of this apartment as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, fostering a dog that isn't housebroken whatsoever isn't really conducive to that plan any longer.

She is probably the sweetest dog I have ever had the pleasure of being around, I am very much attached to her.  However, she needs a foster home where someone is home more often to help potty train her.  I would never in a million years give up the time I have had with her.  To be honest, if I was able to be home more often, and potty train her, I probably would have wanted to adopt her long ago.  But when the home isn't right, it shows.  Someone out there will give her a great home, and she will be such an amazing companion for them.  I am really going to miss her.  I'm giving my rescue group some time to find a new foster home for her, so I don't have to say goodbye just yet, but, it's going to be quite difficult when I do.

Tyler has been such a saint throughout all of this.  He likes dogs as much as the next person, but he doesn't have quite the same passion for them as I do.  He must have reached his breaking point long ago, but stuck with it for me.  He's a good guy.

Nico won't be back to a vet again until after Thanksgiving, so we've also got some time to think about what our decision will be in terms of adopting her.  We are really waiting on more medical information before anything else.  If we decide against adopting her, we will continue to foster her until she is adopted, then perhaps foster again after we have moved.

I hate making tough decisions.  It makes me feel so guilty.  I also hate saying goodbye.  But I guess it would have happened one way or another, eventually.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I got Nico back from the her extended stay at the vet today.  She was supposed to be spayed, but she nearly flatlined on the table when put under anesthesia, so they had to pull her out immediately.  The vet told me they think she may have an enlarged heart/heart disease.  She said she thinks Nico's prognosis is probably not good, and she will probably end up dying in her sleep.  They couldn't test her for an enlarged heart because they don't have the equipment at that location.  I guess her heart rate is very slow, at about 70 beats/minute when at rest, when it should be around 120 beats.  I was afraid of something like this.  It's weird, because all of her blood tests came back just fine.  The diagnosis hasn't been made officially, but the vet sounded pretty sure.

I'm not really sure what the next step is.  The person in charge of our rescue group said we will try the spay again at an office that is a little bit more seasoned, but I don't know if she knew about the potential for Nico's heart disease.  So, I guess we'll see.

On top of this, I have been sick the last couple of days.  I had to really pull it together today to pick up Nico.

And what's even worse, is Tyler's grandfather is very ill.  We planned a trip out to California for one last visit to see him next week, but it doesn't sounds like he will make it that long.  Ugh.  Rough past few days.