My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication - it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness - it is all that I have - and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.

As I get older, the allure of alcohol becomes less and less enticing.  I don't find as much enjoyment out of drinking excess amounts of alcohol as I once did.  Perhaps that is part of getting older.  Also, I get more and more sensitive all the time to hangovers.  I get them in excess regardless of how much I drink.  It can be three drinks (beer or wine only, haven't touched hard alcohol in probably over a year), or it can be nine drinks, either way, the hangover is excruciating.  I can drink water in between each drink, and plenty before bed, nothing helps.  So, I haven't been drinking.  I might try and have a few once every several weeks, but my intake is slowly tapering off into nothing.  I can't say I miss it all that much, but there is one thing I miss.

I miss the social aspect.  I miss hanging out with people late into the night, I miss the activities that would ensue during a night out.  I can still take part in these things, sure.  And I do, and I try to enjoy myself.  A lot of times I do, but then people get drunker as the night goes on, and the fun I did have is eventually enveloped in an overall feeling of annoyance once everyone around me has had one, two, or a few too many.  I don't hate a lot of things, but I pretty much hate being around drunk people.  Their intelligence level plummets, they argue with zero logic, they do idiotic things that are potentially troublesome, dangerous, and/or illegal, they get intense about the dumbest shit, they are incredibly selfish, and all they want to do is drink more and get even less intelligent. I have no interest whatsoever in being around drunk people when I'm not drinking, which is pretty much always.  Or rather, I am so fucking sick of drunk people, I don't even know how to express the depths of it.

I'm in a place in my life where I want to learn more, better myself, enjoy life without a crutch.  I don't WANT to be dumbed down.  I want to have real conversation and experiences that mean something.  Ones that I can remember, and that I'm not embarrassed about.  Not drunken conversations that mean something only in that moment.   It feels sometimes like I'm the only one.   I know that isn't true, but, it is incredibly hard to find someone who wants to hang out on a Saturday night and not drink.  I don't really have anyone in my life who doesn't drink.  Those who may not drink much, typically do social things that involve being around other people who are drinking.  It's starting to get pretty lonely.  When did this happen?  How did it get to the point that the only time people want to socialize is when alcohol is involved?

You know what's sad?  I get a lot of comments that people are sad or let down that I'm not really drinking anymore.  "Oh, but you're so much fun when you drink!"  "But, we used to have so much fun when you drank...", etc.  Since when is not drinking alcohol a problem?  It's driving a wedge in more than one of my relationships, and not all of them are very obvious, but it's definitely there.  It's not because I don't ever want to be around people when they drink, but because I don't ALWAYS want it to be about drinking when I am around people.  I want a Saturday night that's fun for me on occasion, not just you.  The more experiences I have that revolve around everyone else's good time, the less tolerant I am getting of their good time.  I'm getting incredibly lonely, because I don't feel like I have that one person I can call to hang out while everyone else is out getting drunk on a weekend night, so it ends up being just me, being a recluse.