When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

I have quite a few friends on Facebook who post a picture of themselves every day.  I don't really understand the point of this.  Especially when, you know, everyone pretty much looks the same every day.  Especially when you choose the most flattering angles, take pics when you have pristine makeup or hair, and, in some cases, photoshop the "negatives" out.  Shit, most of the time, these people look totally different in real life.

I can understand why you might post pictures of yourself in special circumstances, events, cool outfits, new purchases you're excited about, new hairdos, or even a new makeup you are enjoying.  But, you know, usually it's literally just a picture of someone looking pretty or handsome, (which is also okay...in moderation).  WHY?

This is your personal Facebook page, typically compiled of people you know.  So..what's the point?  I don't want to be rude, because, as I mentioned, I have quite a few friends who seem to do this, but, is this the new fishing for attention and compliments?

There are very few people I want to see a picture of every single day.  And, two of those "people" are actually just my dogs.

I'm not saying I don't post my fair share of mundane facts, photos, and videos, don't get me wrong.  But I guess I just have little understanding and/or tolerance of self-admiration and narcisissm.  Especially when these traits are typically just a cloak for one's self consciousness.  YOU LOOK ATTRACTIVE IN THAT PICTURE WHERE YOU CHOSE THE BEST LIGHTING IN THE BEST ANGLE WITH YOUR BEST MAKEUP, OUTFIT, AND HAIR ON (and sometimes best Photoshop skills).  GOD, DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT EVERY... SINGLE ... DAY?

 Anyways, maybe I should start posting a picture of myself every day.

 Isn't it amazing how much better we all look online? 

Is this real life?

This is my any given day:

Wake up.  Tired.  Not just tired, exhausted.  I have to ask myself if I can even function.  Look at the clock.  I slept 8 hours.  Maybe even 10.  It doesn't matter, it wasn't enough.  It's never enough.

I don't have a choice, though.  So I get up, eat some breakfast.  Can't eat too much, or I'll be sick.  Can't eat too little, or I'll be sick.

Eat my cereal, and my pop tart, or pineapple.  Gotta take my Sudafed and allergy meds, or I'll get hives.

Hips and lower back hurt.  Stretch.  If I didn't drink enough water throughout the night, I get a charlie horse in my calves or toes.

Stuffy nose, painful sinuses, itchy eyes, ugh.  It will get better after a long, hot shower.

Ugh, my skin ACHES.  I feel like I have a fever, but I never do.

Shower, meds kick in, feel a little better.

Get to wherever I am going.  Do whatever it is I am doing.

Tired.

2 hours later, hunger strikes quick, and so strong, I feel sick.  Have to eat right then and there, or face major anxiety and then, panic attacks.

Continue day.  Tired.

2 hours later, starving.  Feel sick, eat.  Good for at least 4 hours.

Irrational irritability all throughout day.   Still tired.

At some point on top of the other times listed, intense nausea.  Anxiety as a result.  Alka Seltzer.  Sometimes helps, sometimes doesn't.    Depending on severity, add anti-anxiety meds.  Usually better.

At some other point, tell someone I feel sick.  Mostly get a shrug, because, well, I always feel sick.  Cancel plans because I feel sick?  Wow, that's surprising.  Everyone around me has GOT to be tired of it.  It sucks feeling like people take the fact that you feel like hell for granted, just because it happens to you all the time.  Not that people do, but it starts to feel that way.  I think it's natural for people to feel less sympathetic when it happens so regularly, though.  I get it, but it's hard when it's happening to you.  You start to feel like a complainer, or whiner, because that's what you think people think of you.  So you convince yourself that you need to just deal with it, and toughen up, because you don't want to feel the internal shrugging you get from everyone when you allude to feeling like shit...again.   So, you just try to ignore it.

Go home.  Exhausted.  Anxious.  Lay down.  Can't sleep.

To sleep, must lay in bed for at least one hour, take melatonin, watch tv for a while, fall asleep.  If any of this doesn't happen, overthink, anxiety, and over analyzing occurs, along with restless legs and painful lower back.

Do it all again the next day.

This is an average day.    I have some very rare better days, but many more worse days.  There's a lot of factors, but if I have a relatively stress free day and I don't forget to take my allergy meds, this is how it goes.  If I have an incredibly stress filled day, I can usually ignore physical discomfort or illness enough to just get through the day without paying much attention until I get home.  Usually, the following day is where I pay for it.

My allergies were typically seasonal.  Over the past year, they've been significantly worse.  I figured we had such a mild winter last year, there must still be allergens or pollutants that never really cleared.  Time went on, and things got worse and worse.  Okay, I figured, maybe I'm developing new allergies on top of the old ones.  Maybe I'm becoming allergic to dogs, god forbid!  So, I decide to see an allergy doctor.  She diagnoses me with some sort of skin disorder, and tells me we will have to do all allergen testing with blood work as a result.  She also tells me the regular hives can be a symptom of thyroid problems.  So, she asks me some questions.  Do I have stomach issues/nausea?  Check.  Do I often get heartburn?  Check.  Do I have insomnia?  Check.    Mood instability?  Check.  Anxiety?  Check.  So on, and so forth.  She tells me that most often, they cannot find a cause for regular facial hives, but when they do, it's typically a thyroid problem that proves to be the cause.  So, we do all of the blood work.

I start researching thyroid problems when I get home, despite being exhausted.  Check the symptom lists.  Check.  Check.  Check.  Oh my god, this explains every single health issue I've had, EVER.  (aside from colds, flus, and the like, and scoliosis).  Shingles?  Explained.  Daily hives.  Explained.  Increased anxiety?  Tightening throat?  Check.  Check.  Insomnia?  Check.

Holy shit, this has GOT to be it.  I am so excited.  I know it sounds strange that one would be excited to find out they have an autoimmune problem, but it explained EVERYTHING.   Oh my god.  This could all go away.  One day, I could feel healthy.  I could wake up feeling refreshed.  I could know what a day feels like where I don't feel sick in at least one way or another.

A week and a half later, I get the results.

Every single test comes back normal.

...
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WHAT?!

I'm not even allergic to ragweed?  WTF?  Okay, I knew if I found out my thyroid was normal, I would be let down.  But I never, NEVER expected to not find a single allergen.  WTF is all of this sinus shit? Why do I feel like hell?  Am I actually getting this many colds?  Is this anxiety forever?  The insomnia?  The fatigue?  The hives?  Why am I taking allergy meds?  I can take a lot of this sickness, and I have been, for years.  Some of these things, my whole life, but it's getting worse, and it's getting intolerable.  I saw an end to the madness, and now it has been taken away.   So, I'm asking, is it seriously possible I have to feel like this forever?  There has GOT to be an answer.

The worse part of all of this, is, I'm generally a positive person.  I smile a lot, I try to see past the negative things.  I always try to find a silver lining when things are really bad.  I am not a negative person, but I feel like I'm turning in to one.  I can't feel like hell all of the time, and keep it up, I just can't.  I'm losing my positivity, and I'm just coasting, and a lot of times, I'm just faking it.  I'm not a very good liar, though, so everyone can tell when I'm forcing a positive reaction, so I don't know why I bother, but I guess I'm just not ready to give up the idea that things can be better.

I am sincerely hoping that this doctor will just tell me that there's still things to check out, tests to be done, and my feeling today is just a huge overreaction, but I guess we will see.

My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication - it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness - it is all that I have - and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.

As I get older, the allure of alcohol becomes less and less enticing.  I don't find as much enjoyment out of drinking excess amounts of alcohol as I once did.  Perhaps that is part of getting older.  Also, I get more and more sensitive all the time to hangovers.  I get them in excess regardless of how much I drink.  It can be three drinks (beer or wine only, haven't touched hard alcohol in probably over a year), or it can be nine drinks, either way, the hangover is excruciating.  I can drink water in between each drink, and plenty before bed, nothing helps.  So, I haven't been drinking.  I might try and have a few once every several weeks, but my intake is slowly tapering off into nothing.  I can't say I miss it all that much, but there is one thing I miss.

I miss the social aspect.  I miss hanging out with people late into the night, I miss the activities that would ensue during a night out.  I can still take part in these things, sure.  And I do, and I try to enjoy myself.  A lot of times I do, but then people get drunker as the night goes on, and the fun I did have is eventually enveloped in an overall feeling of annoyance once everyone around me has had one, two, or a few too many.  I don't hate a lot of things, but I pretty much hate being around drunk people.  Their intelligence level plummets, they argue with zero logic, they do idiotic things that are potentially troublesome, dangerous, and/or illegal, they get intense about the dumbest shit, they are incredibly selfish, and all they want to do is drink more and get even less intelligent. I have no interest whatsoever in being around drunk people when I'm not drinking, which is pretty much always.  Or rather, I am so fucking sick of drunk people, I don't even know how to express the depths of it.

I'm in a place in my life where I want to learn more, better myself, enjoy life without a crutch.  I don't WANT to be dumbed down.  I want to have real conversation and experiences that mean something.  Ones that I can remember, and that I'm not embarrassed about.  Not drunken conversations that mean something only in that moment.   It feels sometimes like I'm the only one.   I know that isn't true, but, it is incredibly hard to find someone who wants to hang out on a Saturday night and not drink.  I don't really have anyone in my life who doesn't drink.  Those who may not drink much, typically do social things that involve being around other people who are drinking.  It's starting to get pretty lonely.  When did this happen?  How did it get to the point that the only time people want to socialize is when alcohol is involved?

You know what's sad?  I get a lot of comments that people are sad or let down that I'm not really drinking anymore.  "Oh, but you're so much fun when you drink!"  "But, we used to have so much fun when you drank...", etc.  Since when is not drinking alcohol a problem?  It's driving a wedge in more than one of my relationships, and not all of them are very obvious, but it's definitely there.  It's not because I don't ever want to be around people when they drink, but because I don't ALWAYS want it to be about drinking when I am around people.  I want a Saturday night that's fun for me on occasion, not just you.  The more experiences I have that revolve around everyone else's good time, the less tolerant I am getting of their good time.  I'm getting incredibly lonely, because I don't feel like I have that one person I can call to hang out while everyone else is out getting drunk on a weekend night, so it ends up being just me, being a recluse.

That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life.

For my own sanity, I really need to start writing in this thing again.  

Let me update you guys a little bit.

We got the house.  We have spent nearly every free moment fixing it up and making it look nice.  Hence, the lack of updates.  So far, I'm very happy with the way things are turning out.  They say the first year of owning a home is the most expensive, because you have to make a lot of purchases of things you didn't need while renting.  While this is very much true, what they do not tell you is don't buy anything until you have moved in.  Some of the things you didn't own, and purchased beforehand may not be as necessary as you once thought.  And upon moving in, and especially after having lived in a place for a little while, you realize there other, more important things to purchase before you buy those rakes or whatever you thought you would need right away.  We've been able to make due, but other people with a tighter budget should definitely know these things.  By the way, I am not saying a rake isn't important, especially in my case, I was just using that as an example, because it was one thing I could think of that renters don't typically own.

Anyways, having a house has been really nice.  I can't say I particularly care for yard work, though.  Actually, I kind of hate it.  Unfortunately, our yard has been neglected for years, and we have fences and retaining walls that are falling down underneath the seasons of leaves that haven't been raked up.  So, yard work has to be done.  It's a small price to pay for getting the house we loved, though.  Our backyard is quite large (for our area) and serene.  Had it been finished, we never would have been able to afford this house.  Our neighbors told us before the last owners, a Tibetan guy (a monk, perhaps?  We have another one living nearby who I see walking around a lot) owned the home.  Apparently, the backyard was basically a zen area that was lush and peaceful.  I love that.  It makes me hopeful for what will come one day.  Also, we met a couple who wanted to purchase this house when it was on the market the time before we bought it, and they said the backyard was simply amazing, but the house was too far out of their price range.  (I believe it sold back then for almost twice the price it was when we got it).  So again, that makes me hopeful.  I really think we have something special here, and I can't wait until the backyard starts making bigger progress.  Which should be soon!  However, I don't think it will really be done for several years.  (By "done" I mean, to a point where we are happy with it and only have to make small changes, or deal with upkeep)  We've worked on small portions of the yard at a time, mostly cleanup, but some planting and placement of yard decor.  The bulk of it still isn't cleaned up because we need a bobcat and a large garbage dumpster to do it, unfortunately.  That should be coming soon, though,..Still working on timing with our landscapers.  We have become major DIY-ers, however, we don't own a bobcat OR a dumpster, so we had to hire a landscaper for that.  

Wedding planning is kind of here and there.  We've put together a lot of pieces of the puzzle.  Still a lot to put together, though.  We chose to purchase a house because of the wedding.  We felt like it didn't make a lot of sense putting a ton of money into a venue when we could use that towards a down payment on a house.  However, in any other case, I definitely do not recommend buying a house in the same year as you are trying to plan a wedding.  Both things are very stressful.  Let's just say that I've been having a really hard time keeping it together.  I am incredibly analytical, very detail oriented, and impatient.  Planning two large events in my life, both of which are tied together in a huge way (we are having the reception in our backyard), and having to wait for some things to get done before we can plan other things, has been the biggest challenge I can think of.  Not to mention, the house was a short sale.  If you are familiar with short sales, you already know that it is an incredibly lengthy, frustrating, and confusing process.  Which only added to the stress.

So, we still have some things we can't quite plan until we make more progress on the yard.  As a result of this, we still toy with the idea of just having a Vegas ceremony, so we have one less thing to plan out.

The whole goal of our wedding is to celebrate the two of us making our relationship official with our friends and family.  I don't want it to be anything more, or anything less.  However, I feel like people might be really disappointed if they weren't there for the ceremony itself.  I really feel torn between two ideals.  One, to make this as easy as possible, and two, to make everyone happy.  I guess that's the bane of wedding planning.  Honestly though, I think that's really a shame.  I don't think a wedding should be stressful at all.  It is simply a day of celebration, and that should be the end of that.  Honestly, the only stress I've had so far is solely because of the fear of upsetting or disappointing other people.  Which, in itself kind of stresses me out, because that's not what a wedding is about.  I shouldn't have to worry about anything except officially getting married and making sure we have food, music and booze for everyone who is at the celebration afterwards.  I don't like the idea of catering to everyone else's ideals, needs, or feelings about how we choose to make this bond official.  Because, honestly, that ain't what this shit is about. 

Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday...The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production.

I am not religious, but I still celebrate the major religious holidays.  The non religious ones, too.  I call them by their official names, but in my head, I'm really thinking of them by the type of feast we will have in celebration of them.  Which makes them way better.

Tomorrow is Easter.  But in reality, it is Ham and Deviled Eggs day and sometimes chocolate day.

Christmas is Ham and Family day.

New Year's eve/Day is Fancy Steak and Champagne day.

Thanksgiving is Turkey day (obviously).

Valentine's Day used to be chocolate day, but somehow Tyler neglects to remember I am a chocoholic almost every year so now it's Crab Leg day...Which is my second favorite food next to chocolate.

Independence Day is Grillable Day.  Also known as Burger Day, and Brat Day,

Halloween is really the only day that doesn't have a food attached to it.

I like food.  That is all.

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.

As I continue down the road to eating healthier, I have also been using homeopathic supplements.  I've been drinking Yerba Mate, and drinking an apple cider vinegar/water mix daily.  I've been trying to add brewer's yeast into my diet, but sometimes it's hard to do that if I'm not eating a food I can mix in into without being able to taste it.  It's pretty funky.  If you haven't tried it, it's kind of nutty and cheesy at the same time, but it's a powder.  I also bought probiotics, but still haven't found a good time to start the regiment.  I was told that for the first day or so, I will feel nauseous, so I was going to start on a day where I didn't have anything to do.  Unfortunately, I haven't had even a free hour on my days off lately.  (Hence the lack of blogs.)  I've even started eating fruit.  Before this last year, the only fruits I would even consider eating were apple and bananas.  The rest tasted so awful and sour to me, I couldn't bear them.  Don't even get me started on the texture.  I have now doubled my fruits that I will eat to include grapes and pineapples.  Baby steps, okay?  I'm still weird about texture.

One of the unfortunate side effects of eating healthier, fresh foods is the change in your tastes in foods.  Mostly, that is a good thing.  It's good to enjoy healthy foods that you didn't enjoy previously.  However, I was a processed/frozen food junkie.  I have food items that remain near and dear to me.  Food items that make me happy just to think about indulging in.  Food items that Tyler would never eat.  So, on occasion, I will make plans to treat myself to some of these items while Tyler is away at practice.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I planned to have a dinner date with myself, and a Totino's Party Pizza.  I have been dreaming of this for WEEKS.  Tyler practices twice a week, but it hasn't been convenient to treat myself to a party pizza any other time because of leftovers that need to be eaten, or practice has been cancelled or rescheduled, or I work too late to pick one up, etc.  In any case, tonight was THE night.  Party Pizza time!

I cooked that shit up.  Let it cool down for a few minutes, so I didn't burn my taste buds on the party explosion they were about the receive.  Then, I ate my first bite.  Ew.  It was NASTY.  What the hell?  It's the same, cracker-like crust.  Cheese looks the same.  Sauce looks the same...  I kept eating, thinking it might get better.  It never did.  I nearly finished the whole thing, and it just tasted worse and worse.  What a bummer.  I keep discovering that my favorite foods that I rarely get to indulge in are not delicious at all like I once thought.  They're kind of disgusting.  Sigh.  I guess this is getting older.